The Dangerously Unqualified Script Doctor #1: Grumpy Old Men (1993)

In The Dangerously Unqualified Script Doctor, we at Cheever's take a pretty okay movie and perform a sort of retrospective edit. What’s the point? you probably ask. Well, rather than just a snarky middle finger to the writers, it’s an exercise born out of -wait for it- affection. It’s sort of like how your mother will criticize you into a sack of soggy, self-loathing organs, only to announce on her deathbed that she did it all because she loved you… Well guess what, I love these films, but damn it, I wish they could have done more with their lives. This week's patient: Grumpy Old Men (1993).

Grumpy Old Men is, for the most part, a tidy, sweet, vaguely touching little tale about two elderly neighbours who’ve spent the better part of their years pranking, swearing and generally trying to slaughter one another. But things change when middle-aged Ariel rolls into town, and jacks their testosterone level all the way up to ‘ creepy’.

The problem? Ariel. More importantly, what she represents, and how this eventually screws everything up.

Let’s get one thing straight, representations of characters are pretty damn important. They colour how we perceive that character, and shape our expectations about the outcome of the movie. So what are we supposed to think of Ariel when she turns up at the dead of night, on a vague pretence of inspecting John’s bathroom? Pretty kooky, right? Craaaazy? How about weird and invasive? How about when another old man, Chuck, heads over and stays long into the night? Wait, what?

The Problem: We get it, we get it. Ariel is supposed to represent the jump start that John’s life needs. Unfortunately, she comes across as kind of slutty, kind of annoying, kind of everything we don’t want our beloved John to end up with. The real weight here is in the friendship between John and Max.

So grab a scalpel, because here’s how we’re going to fix it.

1. Up her kooky, craaaaazy antics to reveal Ariel for what she should be: far less important than the friendship between John and Max. John doesn’t need her, he needs the lifelong friendship between him and his friend to be acknowledged.

2. Have John make a choice between his friendship and Ariel.

We’re not talking about turning her into some kind of monster. It just needs to be clear that she occupies a world that John doesn’t belong to. We could even add a touching scene, where John and Ariel solemnly part ways. Heck, why not have her leave with Chuck? Chuck’s the most awesome character in the whole damn film.

So, instead of the stupid wedding scene, what we should have been watching before the credits roll was two old men back out in front of their houses, scraping melting snow from their cars, cussing each other out like always. Something’s said that hits a nerve, and John throws down his shovel, stomps away, only for the final shot to show Max crack a quick smile.

Now that's a healthy patient.