Where we look at god-awful films from the past year that, for some weird reason, aren’t as horrible as they should be. This time around, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.
Every once in a while, Hollywood delivers something so terrible it’s hard to drag your eyes away.
In ancient Persia, young prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) is framed for a crime he didn’t commit. With the help of a princess (Gemma Arterton), his wits, and a dagger filled with magical, time-altering sand, Dastan sets out to prove his innocence, and unravels a sinister plot in the process.
It’s a solid and workable idea turned so mind bogglingly awful it’s a wonder it ever got out of the editing room. So what went wrong? Everything, it seems. Let’s start with Dastan, a potentially rakish, witty, and likeable lead action hero who, at the hands of actor Jake Gyllenhaal, has all the charm of a pile of damp sand.
The story is also as muddled and problematic as magical sand that turns back time, crammed with head-scratching ‘blink and you’ll miss them’ plot twists. Characters enter and leave at seemingly random intervals, verbally belting out events directly after they’ve happened (sometimes twice). At one point, an entire action sequence is given to a character with virtually no previous screen time, and in one of the film’s more bizarre moments, Gyllenhaal is upstaged by an ostrich.
However, condemning Prince of Persia feels about as right as assigning a failing grade to a kindergarten finger painting. Though it may not have the deftest strokes, it’s all delivered with such earnestness and energy that it’s hard not to find some charm within its awfulness. It’s entertaining for all the wrong reasons, but it’s still entertaining, and you can do a lot worse than that.
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